My Journey: Depression

 This post is very honest about what I went through from mid Sept.-Nov. If you read it please read it all so you can fully understand what I went through but also where I am at now. I wrote this post a while ago but am only now publishing it; my life has completely changed back to what I was experiencing right after Emery was born. My dreams have come true-I love being a mom. Sure there are hard days and hard moments but it is so worth it. I can't imagine my life without Emery in it, she has changed it so much and has made life so much richer.

About a month after Emery was born I started having some bad days (this is when my mom started noticing). It wasn't until Emery was three months old that it really hit. I was depressed. One night in particular I couldn't stop crying and I called my mom to come right away. She made the drive immediately and Jared and I headed to instacare. The Dr. we saw there was terrible. The things he said to me were my brother couldn't believe what he said) and he gave me no hope. Jared and I decided to call and see if we could get me an apt. the next day with my Dr. 

Dr. Clark fit me right in to her (very) busy schedule because of the message that I had left. It was good to have my mom and Jared there to talk to her because I was a mess. She decided that I did need to go on some medicine and suggested I go to Idaho to have more support. The first medicine she put me on was terrible to me. I called her and she switched it because of what it was doing to me. The next week was Spud Harvest and my mom and I headed to Utah to spend time there so I could be with Jared too. I was an emotional wreck. I had good days and bad days, good times of the day and bad times of the day, but I just kept crying and crying. The medicine she switched me to made me feel sick and not want to eat. I ended up dropping 9 pounds in the first 3 days I was on it. 

I hated life. I disliked being a mom. I wanted to go back to how things "used to be." I was a mess. After some time in Utah my mom and I headed back to Idaho- we decided it would be best because Jared is busy with school and I needed more support than I was getting in Utah. I needed to be around people constantly and to be busy. I started doing pretty good in Idaho and decided to make a weekend trip back to Utah with a neighbor. We headed down on Thursday afternoon, and Jared picked me up. I did okay on Friday, I cried some on the phone to my mom but I knew I needed to be with Jared. Saturday evening it hit and I was a mess again. I couldn't stop crying I was terribly depressed. After talking to a family member on the phone for almost an hour I pulled myself together. Sunday morning I woke up depressed. I had no hope. I was crying I didn't want to do anything. Jared took me to family's house so that I had more support and my mom headed down from Idaho. I needed her support too. 

Monday morning it was back to the Dr. She decided I needed to add a medicine to what I was already taking because my case of "postpartum depression" was pretty severe.That afternoon I headed back to Idaho with my mom. During all of this time away from Jared I missed him terribly. We skyped, texted, talked on the phone, communicating in any way we could. I kept myself busy by staying with people. I spent a lot of time with my sister especially. I couldn't handle being alone. If I was alone for even fifteen minutes I would have an anxiety attack and break down. 

Last week I had some good days-like I felt normal during parts of them. Jared and my mom commented that they saw the old me again and were happy about it. Then Sunday came and I had to say goodbye to Jared again-I was a mess. We went to friends' house and I received another blessing (good thing they aren't limited because I have asked for them a lot since this started) it was beautiful. Jared eventually left and I was still a mess but pulled myself together. Monday was an okay day, I was a mess in the morning, but pulled myself together by the afternoon. Tuesday I went to a friends house and shortly after arriving it hit and I was terribly depressed. Thoughts of hurting myself entered my head. I texted my mom in panic. I knew these thoughts were dumb but I was ready to quit playing this game, I didn't know how to get the thought to go away. 8 weeks was a long time to feel this way and I was sick of it. I knew that I wouldn't ever do anything but I was scared. I needed help, real help. I was finally open to going to a counselor, something that many had suggested but I wasn't open to. I just wanted any kind of help that I could get to make things better.

My mom came and picked me up and took me to the P.A. I had seen before I got married. We talked about how I was feeling, the medicines I was on (vitamins that were supposed to help, essential oils, the meds for depression, the med I was on to help increase my milk supply, etc.). She told us she would be right back and left for a minute. She came back with her phone and started explaining that the medicine I was on to increase my milk supply (Reglan) had side effects of severe depression and anxiety and suggested that I go off of it immediately. She told us she won't even prescribe it because of all off the terrible side effects it has. I was on it 4x a day and a double dose, had been on it since about a month after Emery was born. My mom and I started thinking back and the timelines matched up. She started noticing changes in me about the time I went on it, and when it was doubled was about the time things got really bad and I went into the Dr. for the first time. I went to bed with hope that night of things changing. There seemed to be a light at the end of the tunnel. The next day I started feeling better. I spent the day with my dad running errands. Thursday I woke up after sleeping in and felt pretty good. I spent the next four hours by myself (with Emery) and didn't have an anxiety attack. I did it. Today I was alone again and did fine. By the time my mom got home from school I was ready not to be alone-it was quite the change from constantly being with someone to being alone two days in a row. 

I am so thankful for a Dr. that figured out what was going on. I really didn't have postpartum depression but had been suffering from a medically induced depression. We have since found out that the med I was on is only supposed to be used for a minimal amount of time and is suggested for Chemo patients who are having stomach problems. My brother has looked it up and called it one "NASTY" medicine.

But today things are looking better. I feel like I can do this. I can be a mom. I can be the wife that I have been. I can do this. 

My journey was a rough one; one that I am still finishing as I adjust back to being "normal" again. It is a trial that I needed to go through to be perfected. It tried my patience, strength, and hope. It made me rely on my Heavenly Father, family and friends more than ever. It is something I never want to deal with again, nor want anyone to have to deal with. Depression is rough; it is hard; it is real.

Enjoy the Journey.